Aortic Blindness

Yesterday, I went to the eye doctor for the first time in like 6 years (how I've managed to not get my teeth knocked out in softball during that time remains a mystery to me). I ordered some much-needed glasses which will hopefully be arriving in the next couple of weeks. No more squinting and straining and getting massive headaches. I will finally be able to see clearly... at least with my eyes. If only my heart worked the same way.

Instead, my heart is a muddled mess clouded by past wounds, inaccurate views of who God is, the influence of our JACKED UP culture and an almost (and I repeat, almost) uncontrollable urge to do exactly what I know I shouldn't be doing. My heart sees everything through flawed lenses and I hate it. My soul knows that I'm missing something... understands so well that my heart is incapable of fully experiencing all that it was meant to while I'm still on this earth. And so I run towards things that I think will bring a sense of fulfillment and adventure. I attempt to blindly navigate relationships and situations through my feelings (an incredibly unreliable source) and I flirt with sin because it seems fun and exciting and rebellious.

And yet God in his ridiculous, incomprehensible adoration for us, his creation, sent Jesus so that we wouldn't have to figure it all out on our own. At the end of the day, I get to run back into his open arms whining and frustrated saying "Dammit, I did it againnnnn." And yes there are sometimes really crappy consequences and there is discipline but ultimately there is warmth and guidance and the knowledge that nothing I have done, am currently doing, or will ever do can separate me from my Creator because it was finished when Jesus died for me, for us,  2000 years ago.

So yea, I'd love to get rid of the bullshit in my life. But the truth of the matter is that I'm going to be messy until Jesus comes back or until I die (whichever comes first). I am a redeemed, beautiful, restored mess. But still a mess nevertheless. Prayerfully, in time, I'll be just a little less of a mess than when this whole thing started.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." Lamentations 3: 21-24

Flashback: one of the dorkier ones that I've had archived

on my computer never to be seen by anyone... until now...

because I forgot to take a picture of my outfit today